If you were asked what happened after somebody sensed you have a trauma, how would you answer? After much reflection, I was bullied in life. Quite repeatedly. Even now, you would think the bullies would stop at how old they are. No, they haven’t.
Robbed and deprived. Because of all the bullying and terrorizing by instilling fears in me, I got sick. Throughout my adulthood, it’s my mental illness that stood out. I have lived more than half of my life with my beautiful mind. I have been robbed of my dignity. I have been deprived of a rewarding career.
You know what’s good? I hold on to hope. I could have easily given up. I could have surrendered to the “dark underground world.” But I did not. I have not. Will not. If there is something I could proudly say I did not give up on, I did not give up on life.
DON’T GIVE UP
I did not give up because of love. In spite of having a beautiful mind, my family and good, true friends have always been there for me. Those times when I was drowning in my sorrows, they kept the light shining for me to cope and hold on. They did not give up on me because they believed in me, the good in me. They were reminding me of me. And that was more than enough reason to not give up.
It took me quite a long time to accept the fact I have a beautiful mind. Same with my family. It took a toll on my family in taking care of me because of my mental illness. But it is their love that kept me alive and kept me going. When I finally came to my awareness and able to understand it a whole lot better with my beautiful mind, that’s when I learned to lift it all up to God. “Let Go, Let God!”
When I was already able to accept my mental illness, I taught myself to love. Loving myself came first. Loving the new people I got to meet each time I would fall off the wagon and get right back on track when it came to the different fields of work I have done, I am most thankful for that.
My beautiful mind became more of an evil blessing in disguise. Evil? Because of the darkness. It got me spiraling into an abyss so badly. Blessing? As the book of one of my mentors has said: “mutya ng dilim,” I got to see the beauty, the blessing, despite the nights.
I might have taken the long hard road to having a self-fulfilling career, but it led me to the right good people at the right time, towards God’s time. It was not exactly what I expected, but what God saw I needed the most: “Love.” To see love instead of hate. To feel the love instead of their envy. To feel loved instead of bullied.
The hurt from all the bullying and the hatred got replaced by far way better special moments and bonding times with those who always saw in me what is good. There are times when I still feel like I was not only deprived of a career, but my social life has been affected. Because I got sick frequently, it was hard to keep in touch with my friends and loved ones. There came a time when I lost touch with one of my good friends, but when I got well and wanted to seek an apology, she did not respond anymore. Even if I had already said I was sorry, there was no reply at the other end.
LIFT IT TO GOD
When it came to love life? I can honestly say that I do not know the answer to that. It was not only friends that I had lost touch with, but I got so used to being alone. I found myself looking at couples walking hand in hand. I stare at the empty chair beside me when a couple is smooching on the other table. I find my text buddies are telemarketers and not people who know me and not as a customer. But I learned to lift it all to God. If and when love comes my way, I will be able to appreciate it more after all the tears of sadness; there is happiness that love always brings.
It seems hard, especially when we have carried a lot of baggage for so long through the years, that it is best to “cleanse” oneself. Get rid of all the filthy dirty things and thoughts that have long disturbed you. “Let Go” of the emotional baggage. It is the negative psychological effect that’s weighing you down. It is not easy, but trust me, it will get better. In time, you have yourself to thank for in finding the strength to be kind to yourself in having let go of the bitterness in the yesterdays but instead seek to find the goodness and the kindness at the present and with each tomorrow God brings you forward to. “Let Go and Let God!”
